Let me pick you up and put you inside my brain here so we can all be on the same page. Organized crime is bad, but it is also cool. Things can be bad and cool at the same time. Take drinking 15 beers on the weekend with your boys for example, bad for the body, but cool to hang out with your friends. If you could take a guess, that is what I will be indulging in tonight. Also, my research is strictly from mob movies such as Goodfellas, The Godfather, Casino, and The Sopranos. I am going on pure vibes here and if you wanna get analytical you can go talk to a wall.
I would need to live in a city, lets pick New York City for this because it would be easiest. Also lets say I am a little Italian, gotta be a little Italian to be in this thing of ours. So I am in the big apple and Italian, 2 things I am not, but just play along because I need to be those 2 things in order to be in the mob. One last thing, this takes place anytime before the year 2000. The mafia died once security cameras were everywhere.
I would get into the mob around high school. I feel like I would have been friends with a kid who's dad was in the mob that I would hangout with. I was not in the smart classes, but also not in the dumb classes in high school. This is the perfect middle ground to be able to get into some shenanigans, but not get into too big of trouble. I like to push the rules a little bit, maybe bend them sometimes. I would get a little taste of what it is like to be a gangster and I would instantly be hooked. I think another key factor is that I was good at sports growing up. Gotta be a little athletic if you’re in the mob, even Tony Soprano played a little ball even if Junior said he never had the makings of a varsity athlete. I would start out doing little jobs here and there. Moving product and getting the fellas doughnuts and what not.
Once I would be the slave of all the capos doing their dirty work, I would slowly work my way up you know. Maybe I would be the boss one day but how I work my way up is not important, it is how I would be a good mobster is important, so lets break that down.
For one, I love to eat. You ever see the food that they got in these mob movies and shows. They are always eating something that looks so god damn good. Watching Tony Soprano eat instantly makes me hungry for whatever he is eating. Also the Goodfellas scene where they eat like kings in a prison. Only the mafia could mastermind something quite like that. Just watching the scene makes me want to buy a lobster and cut garlic with a razor blade. Being a little pudgy is just part of the gig and I excel at that. Also another aspect that I would be very good at is sleeping in late and staying up late. The absolute worst part of everyday for me personally is waking up and getting out of bed. So I would excel at being lazy, and eating a lot of food.
As far as doing actual mob like things. I feel that I am pretty good at keeping secrets and talking facetiously. Saying this thing of ours and a friend of ours instead of saying I'm in the mafia. Once someone of authority tells me to do something it is like my life goal to get it done. Like if my actual work boss tells me to do something I will do it right away. So when my underboss tells me to go downtown to go get our money from a friend of ours who has been giving us light envelopes from his gambling debts. I will simply go downtown and handle business, maybe take out a knee cap on the way. Also, if you do not do what the boss tells you to do, you’re basically dead, so if it is between roughing a guy up a little bit and maybe feeling bad for beating a poor guy up, or dying, I will choose to rough the guy up a little bit.
The whole doing drugs and cheating on your wife part I would not be very good at. I like drinking with the fellas, but doing coke off of a hookers tits would not be my favorite part. In terms of comparisons, my mafia comparison would be Bobby "Baccala" Baccalieri. Maybe not be as big as him, but definitely have his mannerisms and his kindness. I think with the right amount of character development I could evolve and be a boss. But its a small chance, need a good capo to teach me all about this thing of ours. I think I would go to prison once in my career for assault or something, but get out on good behavior because I had a bunch of prison jobs to keep me busy. I would definitely be friends with all of the corrupt cops too.
Thank you for reading if you got this far into the blog. Share with a fellow person who definitely thinks that they could be a mobster like me.
That is your Friday Tea, with T
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